I deactivated Instagram... again.

I've been in a weird space with instagram for a very long time. I've had my fair share of deactivations because I can't just remove the app and take a break. I have to "erase" my entire identity (on the app).

One may say that's a bit extra or dramatic but hello... have you ever met an Aquarius rising?

The thing is, I care deeply about connection, authenticity and community.

Instagram has long turned into this social site that encourages celebrity culture, "perfection"(whatever tf that means), and aesthetic (which I'm totally guilty of indulging in because I like vibe-y things). I had begun to curate this pretty little page that I'm very fond of but there's still a missing element to my willingness to participate on IG and that element is me being open about who I am today and what's going on with me. Unfortunately, that platform no longer feels safe for that expression.

So here I am... on my own page... and I still struggle with finding a balance of what I care to share. So much so, I decide often times to share nothing at all but that completely removes what I claim to value from the equation.

Identity is a theme that constantly DRAGS me across the pavement and is a huge reason it just feels weird to show up on online spaces. Who I am today looks nothing like who I was 2-3 years ago, hell... not even who I was a month ago.

I am a 35 year old black woman whose identity, prior to the last couple of years, has been molded and assimilated by everyone and everything outside of the nature of who I am. I'm not only grieving the end of a marriage that I chose to end, I am grieving the life I thought I wanted. I am not only living in a new city where I have no friends and family, I am rediscovering this new version of myself and grieving all previous versions of who I thought I was.

And no one told me that the potential to experience an existential crisis was so high. Like, what in the fuck is that??... more on that later but I'm coming out of some very dark weeks of wondering why the hell we're all still producing like crazy rabbits when this world continues to feel like a shit show.

So yea... I'm ready to start peeling back the layers and shamelessly own the present stage of my reality. When I'm centered and grounded, I know that I am really blessed, fortunate even. But I have struggles I'm facing like the rest of the world and I deserve to be a lot less critical of myself whether on or off of instagram. It just so happens that IG makes me want to compare my "not-so-perfect" life to the seemingly flawless fairytales I see on my feed.

I didn't plan this post out or anything but yesterday after reading one of my entries, someone really kindly told I need to start writing again... something else I've been highly critical about. But this is what I am feeling in the moment and I don't care about coming off like a rookie. Guess what, I AM. I have no idea how to run a blog bro. Im just here...

Love + more love

Hillary